In the beginning, Chris ate corn. From KFC I think. We were suposed to all meet at Chris's at 1 PM in order to make it to the show by 8 in Connecticut, so I rolled up at little after 2. Greg from Global Chaos was the only guy representing his band, and then someone figured out that the show really was at 5. Finally, Rob, Bert, and Corbin came around 3 or 4 'cause Bert was working on his mohawk. So then we cancelled the show and jumped on a New York show on Park Ave at a place called Desmonds. We played with this band called Fed Up and a couple other skinhead bands that could beat us up, but didn't. We sold one cd to a guy that didn't even see us play. We gave the bartender a free cd and shirt for free shots. He immediately gave them away to the hottest chick at he bar. The bar was really Irish, and when I asked for water, he said "This is an Irish bar, we don't serve water". He was kidding. Dandrew wanted to make a wise ass remark about the bartender looking like Elvis Costello, but Dino, the dude who put on the show, said he almost got beat up by the bartender before for that. After the show Dandrew successfully panhandled 32 cents, and then we went to Bill's house. He's really nice. We drank a lot and went on the roof. I tried to take a nap cause my sinuses swelled up, but Dandrew put one of Bill's ferrets on me and made me upset. I fell asleep again, but then Chris woke me up by singing the 'dog without a bone' song over and over again. Then he passed out right beside my couch, and started snoring. I put the Seal of Approval (Chris's stuffed seal/pillow) on his mouth to stop his breathing. Then he stoped snoring for 5 minutes so I could fall asleep, while the ferrrets stole my socks.
- Steve
So we woke up in Brooklyn, NY and attempted to find a show somewhere in New England. When that didn’t happen Corbin man-handled the ferret and dropped it. It danced around angrily and then climbed up some crates. Greg decided that the Global Chaos records looked too clean and didn’t fit into the band’s "punk rock" image. Subsequently he dropped them in a puddle outside. The ferret stopped its dance and we left. There was, and still is, a green sticker on the van when we got outside that told us that because of where the van was parked, that particular section of New York could not be properly cleaned. And there was a ticket for $35. We got lost leaving Brooklyn and talked about buying a loaf of bread and peanut butter and jelly. Then we stopped at a rest area and ate French fries with popcorn. We were trying to buy stamps too and the stamp vending machine said that it wouldn’t accept dollars, yet it also wouldn’t dispense change. After that we left and time passed and we were in Maine. The Global Chaoses paid for beer so we drank it. It was at that point that we discovered the joys of "Mustang Lights" for $2.88. There were horses in the pen so we went out to look at and or touch them. It was really dark so when we heard the horses galloping we got scared. Everyone but Chris and I left to go talk about how scared they were by the horses while he and I ventured on. We found and petted them. Rob thinks one of the horses looks like me but I don‘t know. There was more that went on then until we went to sleep. I slept on a tread mill. You know, it sucks that I have to write this damn thing about a day that nothing much happened. Stupid Steve’s asleep right now.
- Dandrew
I woke up to pee. Rob was on the top bunk… he grunted at me… I said hi rob…I walked out of my bed room… joe was already up doing his work…he told me nana said things to him but they didn’t make sense because nana is cool. he wakes up earlier than everyone and I usually wake up second. I think its funny looking at everyone sleeping….maybe that’s weird…I don’t know…me and joe then went downstairs ad talked to pete….everyone woke up and went to the porch…petes friend said that he was gonna get his ammo when dandrew invited him to the show. Then rob made me a toast but burned it I threw it at greg and requested another toast. Then I ate that. It was toastalicius. Then we all went out to see the horses and rob fed them grass. They like it. Dandrew was there too. Then we all got into the two vans and drove to the lobstermans. He said that we are going to party tomorrow and we said yeah then we left and went to the beach. We walked down the beach and everyone looked at berts Mohawk. Someone said they thought it was a wig but I don’t know how you could wear a wig like that. That person is dumb. And I don’t think I wanna hear them say anything. Then we went out to the rocks and steve said that he wants pussy while a little kid looked at him. I took a glory shot of the global chaos guys in front of the ocean. But I think berts hand was in front of gregs face. I didn’t say anything. Then we all went to get pizza… we ate the pizza and I got lemonade. It was expensive. I ran down the road too. Then we decided we should go to the show. We got there in boston and got lost first thing. We got there finally and no one was there except the nice girl who said she was sorry. So rob made a flyer and went to Harvard Square and I am chris. We handed them out. We got back and we all ate peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches which were good. Steve went to a radio station and talked on the air. Then we made a mic out of a headphone and we all laughed and sang. Then my friend blaine showed up which was cool… we all drank a lot then I passed out.
- Chris
We didn’t have a show, but it turned out to be an awesome day anyway. As we were leaving Boston we were given a couple bunches of locally grown carrots by people working for The Food Project (www.thefoodproject.com). It looked like some kind of p.r. - media event, cameras and carrots and placards and the downtown corporate lunch crowd. The carrots cured Corbin’s constipation, but the week of stored-up feces clogged the toilet back at Chris’s folks’ place in Maine. Chris had to find a plunger.
We all sat on the porch in the farmhouse during an awesome electrical storm downpour. After the rain stopped, Chris, Greg and Dandrew decided it would be fun to throw knives at the barn, so that they stick into the wooden wall. Greg missed the wall and broke a window.
Later in the evening we went to The Lobsterman’s where Chris boiled up some lobsters and corn and steamed a shitload of clams. I’d never stuffed myself on lobster before. It was fantastic. Everyone except me drank lots of PBR. We all hung out with the Lobsterman trading stories until almost 1in the morning. Steve let one of the live lobsters pinch his nipples. He was into it.
- Joe
I woke up and Dandrew was still an idiot. Then we drove and got a car tire from this guy named Marty that was nice enough to give it to us for free. I got bored and juggled stones. I finally figured out how to switch from one handed juggling to two handed, and then back, but no one was impressed, not even me. Then we went to this neat rope swing and swung. (Dandrew says I need to mention that the swing is over water so retarded Jerziods like himself can figure out what a rope swing is. If you need a fucking diagram please e-mail me.) Corbin got so scared that he went in his pants. Later he said that his thing wasn’t big or strong enough to penetrate anything, so I offered to use mine if the situation ever arose for him. Then Rob cooked spaghetti, and let me tell you, that boy IS good for something. Then we went to the show, but thoughtfully stopped for beer first. Chris’s mom and aunt and friend and neice and nephew came. Pinko and the action something opened then we played. We sucked big donkey dick. Global Choas shreded. Chris’s mom’s friend thinks Greg is hot. After that I chugged a beer with Chris’s nephew, but he promised not to tell his grandmother, so I figure that there is no way she will ever find out I gave him beer. Then Global Chaos rolled to a party in Augusta. It was an hour and a half away, so we were like no, so the team is currently divided. We drank more beer and went to sleep like heros instead of losing an hour of sleep to drink free beer and hang out with chicks like those losers.
- Steve
Ok, so now I’m going to attempt to write about Day six. Which wasn’t yesterday but was yesterday’s yesterday so it still counts. Let’s see. The Global Chaos stayed somewhere in Augusta, ME (which I think is the capitol) the night before so we figured that we’d meet them in Vermont. I mean how many red shacks next to skate parks could possibly be in Bristol, Vermont? We left Chris’ folks' farm in Maine that day headed for Bristol, VT knowing only that the show there was in a "red shack next to the skate park." I drove and it was scary for all. It was my first time driving the Van any farther than from the Bunglaow to Salt and Pepper. Driving the Van is fun though. We stopped to get gas somewhere and some got Pepsi’s "not-so-vanilla" Vanilla Pepsi for $.50. That was the day that my last paycheck finally was deposited (directly) into my "bank account", so now I can stop smoking all of Steve’s cigarettes. But Corbin taught me the joy of rolling one’s own cigarettes (with his tobacco and papers) so I still have that to fall back on. Maybe that’s wrong of me. Well, you know what, he’s not old enough to buy cigarettes anyway so it’s like I’m doing him a favor. So anyway, we got into Bristol 3½ hours early. Pete [Chris's Stepdad] had told us it was like 6½ - 7 hours away. We made it in like 3½. I’m starting to think that Pete didn’t want us in his house anymore than we had to be. Which is understandable. I mean they were great hosts and they had 8 dirty drunken guys staying there for three nights (Joe’s not that dirty so 7). Ok, I guess I should get to the important things. Bristol. We were told about a swimming hole with a waterfall nearby so we looked at that. We decided that we’d go back to that dangerous place at night, you know, when we were going to be drunk and stupid. We hung out on a cannon. Then we found the place we were playing (a GREEN shack by the skate park which is fine because I’m colorblind anyway) and then two bands played without bass players. Which is fine but it made me feel a little insecure being the first bass player to play that night. I thought maybe someone would attack me and say that I wasn’t welcome there. That didn’t happen. One of the bands broke glass over one of their guys’ heads and he bled all over and he was wearing this white wife beater onesy thing. Amanda from Firepussy/Captain Crash showed up which was fun because we haven’t seen her in a while and she drove from far away. Global Chaos played and they were great. So then it was time to go to the waterfall. We went to the waterfall and I waded into the water to make sure it was deep enough for Chris to jump into. As I was telling him that I wasn’t sure, he jumped in. We all did and then went behind the falls and hung out. Later Greg made a fire and Chris and I decided to sleep on the rock by the falls. It sounded like a great idea, and was, until the temperature dropped to 1,000,000 below zero and I tucked my arms into my shirt and down my pants. Chris woke me up a few hours later and said, "Maybe it’s a good idea to sleep in the Van." So we retreated to the Van to sleep where everyone else was and Rob woke me up at 6 AM to walk around the river. But that’s the next day and that’s for Chris to write even though he didn’t go with Rob and me.
- Dandrew
Shit now I gotta remember the day before yesterday… cuz now im in buffalo but that’s ok…..ummm ok well me and dandrew woke up on a rock and decided that it was too cold even though the sun was coming up. we retreated to the vanto join joe and steve . I passed out in the drivers seat….dandrew the back.. hours later I heard Throblem’s pesky voice coaxing dandrew to "go for a walk." I figured they were gonna go make out. I thought steve went to so I confidently threw my chair back slamming his head in between the chair behind him. Well it could do any MORE damage to his head. Anyway we all got up and eventually decided to go back in the water…we all got in our underwear (I know you ladies are in fantasy worlds now) and got in the water and went upstream for a long time….it was fun…and we even saw a redneck do a swan dive from the top of the falls….anyway we left town and headed for the show in Morrisonville….we got there and met jay and jay that live there..they are both super cool… they showed us the house and said we can do anything we want…so we watched some movies….and jay showed us his movie shitbuck and made us some really spicy stuff that was good but weird….so anyway the show was rad and we all got really trashed and looked at these two girls…(no one got any action) its getting tough now all of us our dealing with not getting chicks in our own ways…..I punched rob in the balls…then jay smoked the BIGGEST JOINT IVE EVER SEEN…….seriously..you know its gotta be big….we got so stoned that greg and me passed imaginary chicken wings to each other and ate them…then we played volleyball with corbins head much to his dismay…oh yeah the show fucking ruled.best global chaos set I saw yet…. crowd had a blast so did we….but then I passed out on half a couch.
- Chris
Woke up in Morisonville on the living room floor of 946 Mason at 6 AM after about 5 hours of sleep. We had a long drive, the longest of the tour so far, for an early show in a record shop in Buffalo. Buffalo is at the opposite corner of New York. It happens that Rob’s older brother Dan is apprenticing under an artist named Hank in the town of North Troy NY and they invited us to stop over. We decided we would break up the drive by stopping there for lunch.
The first leg of the trip had some beautiful scenery of foggy topped mountains. I drove and I was glad I was awake to see it. We got to North Troy at around 11 and I got lost by mistaking left for right which is something I do far too often. Hank got me back on course via cell phone and soon we met him, his neighbor Josh, his dog June Bug and Dan (who looks remarkably like Rob without a Mohawk). We ate some delicious pork chops bar-b-qued on the back porch with some veggies and drank some real coffee. Dan took us on a tour of the building where he and Hank make cool sculpture / 3-D art objects. We saw some works in progress.
After our little visit we were back on the road. Dandrew took the wheel for the second leg. We got stuck in a traffic standstill on I-90 due to an accident. That set us back about 45 minutes but we did not miss the show. We only missed the first two bands. The show itself was great. 6 bands for 6 bucks in a record store called Hey Dude! The owner Alex is really cool. After the show he took us to Niagara Falls and let us crash in his shop overnight (very trusting of him). The store has a good selection of hardcore, indie rock and punk. At one time, I am told, there were about 10 thousand used records which would have been in bins where the bands played and where the audience stood. From what I understand, the space has mutated mainly into a show-space that also sells records, relegating the used records to storage boxes in the basement.
By the time we got to Niagara falls I was pretty beat. Somehow the group got divided after Greg went back to the van for his camera. I’m not sure what fun Chris, Corbin, Dandrew, Rob, and Bert had, but Greg and I tried to go to the Canadian side with Alex and his friends. We got a good look of the falls on the U.S. side and walked across the bridge to Canada. The Canadian border guard (who was listening to some acoustic punk band on a boom box) would not let Greg into his country due to the fact that Greg’s only form of identification was from his New Jersey county. "You must have state issued I.D." said the guard. He would not relent. Oh well. We walked back across the bridge and had to prove to the United States guards (who were not listening to punk rock of any kind) that we belonged in the U.S. Greg who still did not possess a state issued I.D. got stopped and interrogated for about 15 minutes. I thought he was going to be stuck on the bridge forever. Eventually the guard believed his story and let him back into the land of the free.
While we had our bridge adventure, Corbin found a pouch filled with hundreds of dollars. Being the kind soul he is, he split the money between the two bands. I drove back to Buffalo and fell asleep on the floor of the record shop.
- Joe
I woke up in the Hey Dude record store, and boy was I scummy. Joe was already at Starbucks to get internet access, so I went to a diner with Alex, the owner of Hey Dude. After that our crew rolled to Rochester. That town is so beat. We arrived at three for a show at the Bug Jar at eight, so we were way bored, and asked some dudes at a skate shop what to do, and they said to go to a coffee shop called Java. It sucked, it was all upscale and shit. Rob made flyers a Kinkos, and we put them up a couple places. We tried to get a free tour at the Gennesee beer plant, but thy said that they only offered virtual tours, and we wanted to get drunk for real, so we got pissed and left. Some guy with a hat with the letter ‘h’ on it tried to sell Chris heroin. Chris didn’t appreciate that very much. After that we went to Arby’s. That was a fatal mistake. Me and Chris bought some beer, and would walk to Dunken Doughnuts to shit every twenty minutes. Chris did steal a cut-out of Oven Mitt, the new Arby’s mascot. Dandrew, meanwhile, was having heart murmurs, so we gave him aspirin. Then they went away.
Kids lined up at he club at around six, but the club wouldn’t open till nine since there was no employee to card them. It was raining but we had beer in the van. We played the show. The opening act let two bands split their set, and the owner charged them all four dollars a head to play the show, and didn’t pay them. Joe thought that was way lame, so he gave them some of our cut that covered their admission charge, and them some. Joe is nice. After the show we were invited to a house party. Some old battle axe next door called the cops and James, the host, got fined. I drank a lot of Bud. This girl Carrie let me go back to her place, and we chilled. She is way cool. She owns a retro clothing store in Rochester that I forget the name of, but you should definitely check it out. It was so nice to get away from the boys for a sec., and talk to someone who was a pretty girl, didn’t stink, and didn’t address me as stupid Steve. We hung out and she gave me pizza and let me crash on her couch.
- Steve
Once again I’m trying to recall the events of two days ago so be patient, please. I woke up on the wrong side of the couch and in between the cushions, which was actually pretty comfortable, and sat up. I only saw Bert and Greg asleep and no one else. As I tried to piece together the events of the previous night I couldn’t figure out where anyone else was. There were cans and bottles in every single area a can or bottle could fit so I started cleaning them up. When I was in the kitchen I heard this male voice say, "Hello, can I come in." Bert suddenly wakes up and says, "Yes." I went down the stairs and this guy in a red shirt was like, "You don’t live here." And I said, "No, I don’t." He said, "Where’s James?" I said, "Asleep." James was our host for the evening and is in a band called "Bludwulf" (complete with umlauts). He, James, was really cool seeing as we were loud that night and the police came and he got a citation. Anyway, the guy goes into James’ room and starts yelling at him. Then he comes out and tells Bert, Greg and I that we have to "clear out." So we cleared out. We got outside and there was still no sign of anyone we knew so we went to some diner. Chris, Corbin, and Rob came in a few minutes later. It turns out that the landlord guy in the red shirt went outside of the apartment and Chris, Corbin and Rob were on the steps so he yelled at them too. Chris gave him the finger (the middle finger) and the guy told him to "sit on it and spin" which is like so "Happy Days." Then Rob said something like the guy was just pissed because he was old or something like that. We ate breakfast and went to find Steve and Joe. But first, we found this porno store and went in. Greg found a three foot dildo and hit Rob and Bert over their heads with it. There was a porno with all the girls with grocery bags over their heads. I don’t know about that whole "adult" scene anymore. So we left and eventually found Joe and Steve.
James told us about this place called "The House of Guitars" nearby so we went to find it. We found it and when we got inside we were like, "Wow this is pretty cool." There were guitars and the likes all around this somewhat cramped room. We, or I rather, thought that that was it. But there was a whole huge other room with all sorts of old shirts, LP’s, CD’s, tapes, autographed pictures of important people, posters, etc. There was also a wall where thousands of the likes of the aforementioned important people had signed. There was also this "Eat Your Paisley" shirt hanging from the ceiling (amongst other cool shirts too) unfortunately not for sale. After like an hour down there we left to find a swimming "hole" or some kind of swimming area.
We found Lake Ontario and these lifeguard girls told us that we couldn’t swim because of the bacterial contamination or something like that. So we went further down the shore line. We, without Rob and Bert, went swimming, actually I just waded in while they swam. I was trying to make a sand castle when this woman blew her whistle at everyone and said we couldn’t swim in an unguarded area. We left and met Rob and Bert who didn’t pay the $7 to get in because Rob, with his notorious intense stare, stared at the woman collecting money so she let them in. We swung on swings, slid down slides, chased seagulls in the vans and headed for Cleveland. We ate a place called "Pizza Hot," yes with an "o" and the "z’s" were backwards like 5’s. About an hour from Cleveland the Global Chaos van had some trouble so they exited. We kept going and stopped at a random gas station where Steve said, "Wow, this place has all sorts of cool things we can’t get in our state." Or something to that effect. Chris said, "Well Steve, I hate to tell you but we’re actually in Pennsylvania." Then we all laughed at him. Or with him. Anyway, Jesus this is long, we got to Cleveland, or Euclid, whatever, Ohio and the Global Chaoses eventually got there and we watched "Dead Alive" and went to sleep.
- Dandrew
woke up at ray and marks house on the floor. Me and bert were spooning. Just kidding. We all woke up and were talking about how amazing it was that we did not drink the previous night and how we would have to make it by drinking twice as much tonight to make up for it. We didn’t ask the ray or greg but we decided to do laundry and use the internet. Dandrew and rob played chess which they said was sorta like checkers but dumber. I played john maddens football with corbin but I just thought it was funnier to run offsides every play. Then me and rob and corbin and dandrew and ummm who else was there ill ask dandrew dandrew who else was there? Oh he said just corbin rob you and me…so we all went out to bring the global chaos van to the shop but rob doesn’t know how to get there but I did so we went. We got there and I got the low budgets van an oil change. Then we went to some diner but it sucked so we said we didn’t want any thing. Then we went into the family dollar and dandrew bought a yo yo and rob bought detergent cuz we used all of it. I laughed at hair mayonaise. Then we went back and joe went to the studio to record back up vocals for a band. I said hey lets go down town so we did. We drove down to 9th ave to the rock n roll hall of fame, browns stadium and science museum. I thought it was cool to be there but everyone else said I was dumb. Global chaos lost intrest and sat down me dandrew and steve went exploring. We went into the science museum but it was closed. Then we went to the rock and roll of lame. We decided that we wanted to go in but we didn’t wanna pay 18 dollars. So we went into the trash and found 3 bracelets that were discarded. We ghettoed them on our wrist and went back in…we got through the people and started to enjoy the shit..but then a big man ran at us "hey you cant come in here like that" he said "but we just wanna see and we cant afford it" I said "too bad you gotta go" he said he was nice about it at least then some other dickwad wad of dick came out and he was like "you guys are dumb and that’s stealing" I said "shut up" to him then he said "I can call the cpd" "fuck you" I replied he said "what did you call me" and then dandrew said "he didn’t call you anything he said fuck you" so anyway we walked out and contemplated driving a motorcycle through the glass but didn’t…. we went back to the house and all bought 99cent colt 45’s but no one was there. We sat on the stoop and talked about chix. Then I went and talked to the neighbor who ray and greg said not to talk to because they were dicks. They were nice though and were from philly… then we decided to go to the show but we didn’t know the address…. steve went and got a paper and we found out the address…. we got to the club and just chilled with the global chaos kids outside the van and got way drunk because we had to. The show wasn’t very crowded but it was ok. We had one of our shows we sometimes have where we just destroy everything. I flung dandrew over my back and he bled. then he hit me. Then we both hit steve and broke his snare stand off. Joe said fuck about his cord. We then went home because the computer batteries dying ok bye.
- Chris
We got up early in Cleveland because our gracious hosts had to go to work. We decided to have a relaxing breakfast in Euclid, and then we drove to Detroit. Upon arriving at the Trumbullplex we were greeted by a nice guy named Scott who told us that there might be some confusion as to when we were really supposed to play. Apparently Jessica, the show organizer, had changed her mind and wanted to the show to happen on Friday instead of Thursday, to coincide with some kind of Midwest 'Zine Fest they were having. This was news to us. But, as the events of the day unfolded, it would not matter.
We got a tour of the space and got some history of the place from Scott. It's an 'anarchist collective' that used to be an artists collective over a decade old. (The 'anarchists' we would meet seemed like hippies in punk clothing.) He showed us a school bus that they converted to run on vegetable oil instead of diesel. They also had a vegetable garden. I noticed corn and watermellon growing. After Global Chaos arrived we decided that we would stick around. We had lunch and then Chris took a nap and I plugged in my laptop to upload the updated version of this diary. No sooner than I got the computer booted up the electricity went out. I still had battery power but not much so I saved everything, shut down the computer and took a nap. When I woke up I learned the power was out in all of Detroit. Then we learned it was out in NY, Toronto and a lot of other places. The neighbors across the street had the radio news blaring from their pickup truck.
Global Chaos' first reaction to the news was "We'd better stock up on beer before all the stores are closed!" So Dandrew and Rob gathered money and walked down the street to the closest market. The guy was just locking up, but Dandrew pleaded with him to let them buy beer. "It's only going to go bad, why not sell it to us now?" So the guy unlocked his store and sold $30 worth of 6-packs. Rob also purchased some fireworks.
We started drinking the beers on the porch of the house. Rob pulled the Global Chaos mini-van up into the driveway and we listened to the news until we got bored of hearing the same story over and over. Then we listened to Johnny Cash and the Circle Jerks. The anarchists called a meeting, so Scott disappeared inside for quite a long time. At some point we ran out of beer. We walked to a farther store, a liquor store called Norm's where people were lined up down the street. The owner had the door locked but he would appear at the door, unlock it and take your order. Then he'd lock the door, go get your stuff, and unlock the door, take your money and give you your stuff. People were buying cigarettes, potato chips, lots of beer, soda, liquor and stuff like that. They were out of water, ice, iced tea and lemonade by the time we got to the door. So I decided to buy a bottle of whiskey and some coke.
Back at the collective we resumed our drinking. I remember opening the whiskey and taking some sips and passing it around saying something like "This had better be gone by tomorrow." This is where the night starts to become hazy. Someone - Scott and Greg? - built a bonfire. The neighbors across the street launched some fireworks, and Corbin launched some fireworks back, until the anarchists told him to stop it. I forgot to eat dinner. Someone (Rob?) borrowed my flashlight (which I never saw again). Chris, Steve, Dandrew, Rob and Greg went to an abandonned train station that we had heard about. They told me the next day that it was really cool. That's what they needed my flashlight for. Somehow I ended up in Scott's bed next to which was an empty bottle of whiskey. I did not feel very good in the morning but that day is not for me to log.
- Joe
I woke up at the Trumbullplex, and the power was still out. They somehow fixed the water and stove so we made raman noodles. Then we sat around bored. No one but Scott would make conversation with us. Apartenlty, being an open minded anarchist means you can only talk to other open minded anarchists. We explored downtown Detriot. It is a vacant depressed shithole of a city. Imagine North Pilly everywhere but people are too defeated to even bother to shoot each other or mug you. We found a place that sold Pabst 40’s for 2 dollars. Bert was drinking a beer and it exploded on him just as a girl was walking up to him so he snarled "explode", and she walked away from him real quick. Then Scott fixed everything that was wrong with Joe’s organ. It is actually in tune with itself now. We then drank more as the zine fest started. It was lame. The chick that put on the show told us that we should play another show up the street to get rid of us. We had already been there 8 hours sitting around bored, so we were like "no". I talked to a girl named Christine who showed up late, and told her how shitty everyone but Scott was treating us, and she gave us a 30 pack of beer, and apologized for her city. She was really cool. We then played while the "audience" sat outside and played Uno. I wouldn’t recommend playing that venue to anybody. We talked shit and got the fuck out of that lame-o town, and went to Ann Arbor to play a midnight show. After we got lost a couple times we met up with a truck and followed them to a dirt road. We went under an overpass and saw about ten kids waiting on the ledge by the train tracks in the dark drinking 40‘s and smoking. We set up in the dark and tuned while they set up the generator. We played and the kids more than made up for the lack of enthusiasm of the last bunch of wankers. I guess when people don’t have a proper legal venue and have to pull off ninja feats to have a show in their town, they actually learn how to have fun. This girl Danaka was there. She used to work with me at Xando. We stayed at this house in town where something like 30 kids lived in one house. They were cool as shit, and gave us the burritos they got from the stores throwing shit away from the blackout. They also had dogs that smelled better than we did. I bonded with a lesbian chick as we bitched about our ex-girlfriends, and then I crawled underneath the kitchen table to make my bed. Unfortunatly that was already someone’s permanant room, but he directed me to an empty part of the room and I passed out.
- Steve
I woke up at 4 AM on a bean bag chair on the front porch with a burnt out cigarette between my fingers and mosquitoes stinging me or biting me, whatever they do, and decided to go inside with the bean bag chair. As I was falling asleep I realized that my library books were due. The next time I opened my eyes I saw a tattooed leg. I got up and walked around Main St. Ann Arbor. When I got back everyone was still asleep, including the three or four people who "lived under the kitchen table." I wanted coffee so I got Bert to go with me to The Fleetwood Diner.
Bert and I had a good talk about different fragrant soaps and the whole process of exfoliating. Then we went back to the house and saw Chris, Steve, Corbin, and Greg going to find coffee. Chris and Steve went and the rest of them and I didn’t. We drove around and collectively decided why Iggy Pop is so pissed. He grew up in Ann Arbor. When we got back we decided to leave, but not before Corbin and Bert took some adult magazines that the people offered them.
WE left and were all excited to play Legends Sports Bar in Fort Wayne, IN. When we got there we let Steve go in and assess the situation. He informed us of their exciting interior, including, but not to the exclusion of, a disco ball and foosball tables. To let all of that excitement sink in we went to Wendy’s. There was a poster in there saying that Dave Thomas, you know THE Dave Thomas, was born in Fort Wayne. How exciting. We left to find a swimming hole when we heard that there was no Dave Thomas museum. There was a man fishing in a river so we asked him about swimming there. He said it probably wasn’t a good idea. Someone asked if he was going to eat the fish he caught and he said no. So, we decided to go to Borders Book store….for 4 hours.
I was reading a book about Shane MacGowan called, "A Drink with Shane MacGowan." Then I heard that they were showing "Toy Story" in the children’s area and that they had popcorn so I went there. I watched it with a few other kids who said they’d seen it before. I told them that I had too. We ate popcorn and had a good time until the other older kids came and started talking through the movie. One kid, with a little black Mohawk and a filthy Iron Maiden shirt took the rest of the popcorn and laughed about it. Then after some of our crew was harassed by a strange older man about our show not having a light show and how we should go race around on go-carts, we left to play our now unexciting-unlighted show. So then we’re told that the under 21 members of our crew (half of us) would have to wait until they played to be in the bar. Bert and Rob managed to be 21 that night, Bert because of his manly charm and Rob because he licked the back of his hand and touched it to Steve’s shamrock stamp, right in front of the lady. They said we each (each band) had $50 to spend on beer and food. So we ordered a lot of food only to find out that they didn’t know Global Chaos was playing so they cut it down to $25 each.
Also, they didn’t have Global Chaos on the marquee outside and they spelled our name like (sic) "The Low Bugets." Spell check is telling me that I spelled that wrong but I was just writing what the marquee said. So needless to say morale was a little low that night in Fort Wayne, IN. Plus, it was a sports bar for crying out loud. Poor Greg and Corbin had to be either outside or in their little booth with the lady the whole time. The lady was the club owner’s mom and wouldn’t let them out of their little romper room at all except to play. Apparently at some point Greg said something to her about her being a "fucking bitch," or something to that effect. He’s a "mean teen." Eventually this guy Shawn, who set up the show and who’s birthday it was, came and rectified everything so we got $50 each. Global Chaos played and were great including their menacing comments about sports bars and their audiences.
We played and during "Caveman" Chris said, "If you’re under age you should stay in your booth." After the show a bartender told Bert he looked like a rooster. Bert said that he would say "cock-a-doodle-do" for a free beer. He didn’t get it so we left to go to J.R. and Heather’s house. They had a cat that was fat so everyone made fun of the cat except me who sympathized with the cat’s size. Poor cat.
- Dandrew
I woke up in fort LAME Indiana….in the van…..I went inside to find everyone asleep….except bert………umm heather bought us doughnuts….
I don’t know really….it was 3 days ago….ummm ok.welllll……….uhhhhhhhhh…….ok then we left…then we went to a rest stop the power went out and we ate breadsticks…um then……..something happened……..then it was like whoa we were in Chicago….we got to the fireside bowl…..it was really cool in there….old bowling alley…..me, steve and dandrew started drinking and watched the first simpsons we had all tour….um then we watched the global chaoses…..they were sexy.theve come a long way.now they are like whoa…little buds that have blossomed into a beautiful flower..um then we played.then lauren showed up and we were like whoa…..she brought us to some studio house and it was like whoa to…we chilled tough on the roof…the studio was cool but those kids didn’t really want us there sorta so we went and ate a sausage……yummmmmmmm mother fucking meeeeee…….so then we watched a movie at laurens and drank 40’s…….I passed out and greg put a sticker on my head.bert tried to make the moves but I told him I was spoken for….he backed off….but then he said EXPLODE…..Chris
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We spent the entire day in Oak Park IL which is where Lauren’s family lives. It’s a comfortable suburb of Chicago. Luckily for us, Lauren is visiting her family for a couple weeks. Normally she lives in Newark DE where she is studying to be a nurse. Lauren’s mom was really nice to us. She made us coffee and bought us bagels and later on cooked us a barbeque with burgers, hot dogs and steak. I helped Rob make a salad.
We watched a lot of t.v. and went swimming in the pool in the backyard. Chris watched "Boondock Saints" which he says is a fucking awesome movie and recommends it to everyone. Lauren’s mom kicked her only son out of his room for two nights in a row so that we would have more room to sleep. He didn't seem to mind.
- Joe
I woke up on the porch of Lauren’s folks house. Me and Joe bullshitted for a while, and Lauren’s mom gave us gas money for both bands and threatened us to take bagels with us. She was the hostess with the mostest. We then drove to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The first thing we did upon entering the town was find the beer tour like true Americans. We arrived at the Miller factory and signed up for the free tour. Our guides Kyle and Fritz showed us a video and then took us to a room that housed a half million cases of beer. I was glad I brought my sunglasses so nobody could see the tears welling up in my eyes. Chris was a little misty eyed too. It was the first time in my life that I felt totally at peace with the world. We learned that Miler also makes Old English, Foster’s, and some fancy pants German beer I could care less about. We got three free beers a piece. The Global boys got soda. They were pissed. Then we saw a hotdog stand that just closed, so we got the leftover hotdogs out of the trash and ate them.
We then headed to a pool hall arcade, and drank some more beer. This guy named Michael asked if I’d play pool with him, and I did. He bought me shots and paid for all the games. Then as I was leaving he told me that his Dad owned a strip club and he would have a limo pick us all up if I called him and take us there for free admission and beer. We arrived at the house where we were to play [tomorrow], and then went a show next door. We saw a couple bands and I told the boys about what Michael said. They told me I was stupid for believing him but said to call anyway. I called and he said the limo was coming and to go back to the pool hall. We met up with him and then thirteen of us piled into a limo built for six. Joe was tired and went to the van to sleep. It was so awesome. Dandrew yelled "Fuck you, I’m in a Limo" to everyone we passed. On the way we stopped to pick up a girl who books shows for Aerosmith. Then we went to the club. Michael bought us all free drinks. He then introduced me, Chris, and Dandrew to a famous porn star who posed with us for an autographed picture. Her name was Exotica. She seemed nice. Micheal had to jet with two chicks so he ordered a limo to pick us up. We all thanked him a billion times and bade him farewell. Then we went back to the house to crash.
- Steve
We’re discussing, right now, where we woke up yesterday. That must mean that yesterday was fun. I think I’ll start backwards because that’s how I’ll be able to remember the events. Well, this morning I woke up in the van. I had relocated from the cushion that Rob found in the trash because I was completely covered in ants. Before that I was on the kitchen floor that was wet because the "Barely Legal" house’s refrigerator was thawing and leaking all over me. But first I had "decided" to sleep in the flower bed outside. Ok, this is annoying, this style of remembering so I’ll start from the beginning.
I woke up on the couch and Joe, Bert, Corbin and I went to Meet me at Ma Fischer’s. Half a grapefruit was 2 dollars and their coffee was stupid. I like coffee and if it’s stupid I’ll still get a free refill but it will just give me fuel to complain about its stupidity. At some point I found the Polaroid picture of us and that stripper, which was weird because at first I had no idea where it came from. Then the events of the previous night slowly came back to me. It had been a weird night and I had never been to a strip club before and I don’t care about going to one again. The limo was great though. And if anyone out there reading this was one of those people who I apparently said, "Fuck you, I’m in a limo" to, I apologise. I’m no better than anybody even if I was in a limo. So anyway, we got back to the house and things occurred and then, oh yeah, we went to Lake Michigan (I guess it was part obligation seeing as we had seen most of the other Great Lakes). It proved to be fun though. I climbed a tree and played with a flag and Rob threw corn on people. We tried to get Bert to do a split because he can do one, but he wouldn’t. He told us he would do one later when he had a boner.
We left there and I did my freestyle walking but no one was impressed or would join me. I got 10 points for doing this move off of a fire hydrant and parking garage ramp. Rob did some lame trick and I said he only earned 7 points. We hung out at a drugstore and Rob threw a bottle cap at my eye. When we left Rob thought he left his sunglasses there so he and I went back to look for them but we couldn’t find the place. We played in some sprinklers and went to go put condoms on a sleeping Greg. Chris told us about a place that sold Hamburgers and French fries for $1.75. I was like, Yes, I’ll get one too. We left to go back to the Barely Legal house to play a show drunk. Well it worked out pretty well. Jared, one of the fellows who lives there has this dog that is awesome. I thought that it looked like a piglet-dog because it’s really cute and I like pigs. Everyone who lives there, and the dog, are really cool people. Then Joe comes from behind the house saying that a car was on fire. We went back there and sure enough, there was a car on fire. The windows were bursting out and we couldn’t wait until the gas tank blew up but the fire department came and put it out. No one was harmed and most of the people who came outside to see it came to our show so that’s good.The show was a lot of fun and the kids there were all really cool. This guy who was there, Bob, told us to come to this puppet show at a micro-brewery he worked at down the street. I love puppets so we went. The puppet show was cool but kind of weird too. Bob gave us this free beer and it was something like "something oatmeal stoudt." It was thick and chocolatey so I ended up having a lot of it. Then, this band comes on called The Paragraphs. They all had different masks on; one was George W., then there was Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfeld, and Dick Cheney. Dick played guitar, Colin sang and played a keyboard, Don played drums and W stood at a podium and gestured while real speeches played (some were manipulated). It was really crazy and good. Then this band Neon Hunk came on and they were a girl on Moog and a guy on drums, both wearing very scary masks. They were insane. They gave me a CD for free because I asked for one. Steve and I were the last ones there of our crew so we left after the show. Ah. I loved Milwaukee, even if Laverne & Shirley was actually taped in California.
- Dandrew
I woke up in the attic that reeked of cat shit at the barely legal house. We had a lot of fun the night before but I was excited to get the hell outta there…. I went downstairs and told everyone we should skid addle. And skid addle we did… but first I went to the super Mercado and got cheetoes spicy fries… from which my fingers are still orange… then we hit the road for Minnesota. Minneapolis to be exact… at the fight house…. so we kept driving but then me and dandrew had really intense conversation on cheese curds… he said that they were so good but I kept pressing the issue on why they were good…. so we decided to stop at the next big cheese sign… to get some of these mystical curds… so I pulled off at a place called wis dell…. little did I know my world would be permently changed…. we all went in the store…. then I saw her…standing there with her beautiful eyes…and sleek body…the way she looked at me was so amazing that I knew right away I must have her. So I bought her for 2 bux. She was A felt deer. I was very pleased. So we got back in the van and kept going. Oh the curds were ok to. We then went into a dinosaur and dandrew bought a yo yo that promised music and to be intresting. We arrived at the fight house and met Tiffany and Klaus. They were having Ass Practice. that’s their band. She said they were making food and stuff and we got excited about that seeing as we as humans need food for survival. So we ate and then I went to get beer with steve at HUMS. We got back and I started taking pictures of everyone with my deer…I took pictures of the deer in the road, on the van, in the bbq, on the typewriter and with everyone around..kids started showing up ….lotta kids and lots of fun.everyone out there is super cool and nice our show was rad kids there knew the words to our songs and did a human pyramid for us to…I would move there in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for the whole moving thing. Anyway after the show we all hung out at Tiffany's place…I was letting the cat eat my deer. It ate its eye off. Then I passed out and dreamt of my true love. The deer.
- Chris
We bade farewell to our kind hosts in Minneapolis and had an uneventful 5 and a half hour drive to Libertyville. We took the same path back across Wisconsin. Chris wanted to stop at the same tourist cheese shop that we hit on the way to Minnesota so that he could buy another felt deer. (He gave the first one to Tiffen, the woman who arranged the show.) We did stop and Chris did buy a felt deer. It was the last one on the shelf.
We rolled into the Libertyville Civic Center at 6:30 PM, exactly one hour after we were told by the promoter to show up. We were the first bands there. (Even though Global Chaos didn't stop at the felt deer cheese shop, they ended up right behind us somehow.) I decided to take a walk down Main Street. Libertyville is amazingly clean and tidy with a lot of old-timey looking shops with windows (no bars or gates) and window displays and pubs and restaurants. It didn't seem real to me somehow, but it was. It kind of gave me a creepy Twilight Zone feeling. Everything looked freshly painted, inlcuding the basement room of the Civic Center where we played. I had dinner at a spic-and-span unusually bright Chinese restaurant and then walked back to the Civic Center just in time to catch Global Chaos's set. (I had managed to miss the first two bands.)
There were 22 people in the crowd, not counting the guy who was working the light show. (Yes, someone brought a real home-made, very neatly conrstucted, light show with colored floods that can flash on and off and a strobe light.) Global Chaos seemed very intense this evening, not just because of the crazy lights. This was Greg's first show with his new punk semi-mohawk do, and it seemed to make him play with extra aggression. The PA system was quite adequate - it was one of the few shows I could make out a lot of Bert's lyrics. The whole band including the drums were very loud. The room seemed to add extra oomph to the guitars and cymbals.
By the time we played the 22 people shrunk to about 19. But it was good. There was polite applause and hand shaking afterwards, and Chris managed to find us a place to stay, 20 miles outside of town (in a place called Antioch) in a large house next to a goat farm.
I watched Orgazmo on video and started to fall asleep. Rob was drinking Whiskey and wasn't seeing sleep. Everyone else pretty much passed out by the time the movie ended. At around 4 in the morning I awoke to an awful burning smell. I looked up and saw white smoke coming from the kitchen. Evidently someone (turned out to be Rob) burned something (turned out to be a pizza) in the microwave. There was someone else in the kitchen with Rob. I said "Rob!" to get his attention, but I don't think he heard me, so I went back to sleep.
- Joe
That’s funny, I don’t feel tardy. Anyway the day officially started at 6 am when rob woke me up and asked me if I wanted to drink whisky. I told him to fuck off in the nicest possible way. I said "Rob, fuck off." Then I went back to sleep in the basement. I woke up and I was still pissed that Chris stole my couch the night before, and then he went up to me and started to brag about how great he slept on said stolen couch. Chris is not a nice person. Then we noticed Rob was missing, but we found him asleep on top of a silo. I noticed that all my whiskey was gone, but a horse broke his sunglasses, so that’s his karma. That guy. We drove to Saint Louis and I was bored. We arrived early and dude from the venue told us to eat at some diner. It was closed so we ate at another dinner. It was mediocre. Then we went back to the venue and saw the show. The first band was called something. I’m an asshole for not remembering. Maybe Joe will be a lamb and write it in parenthesis right here. [Whole Sick Crew.] Or right here. They sounded like Burn Witch Burn. I dug it. I went outside to get my smoke on and some black kids in a pickup yelled something at me I couldn’t make out. I think it had something to do with me honking, but I wasn’t even driving a car. I flipped them off just in case they were making fun of me. That made me feel good about myself. Then I met the kid who put on the show. I forget his name, but he was way cool. The next band also had a name. Hopefully Joe will fill in the blanks. [Lester Shy and the Shyphonics.] They were a Dead Milkmen cover band. Joe sang ‘Dean’s Dream’ with them after Dandrew reminded him what the lyrics were, since he was too busy trying to remember the first band’s names for me. Good times. The Globals played and then we played. I then came to the conclusion that I’m much better looking than Corbin and his name is stupid. But I digress. After that we went to dude from the first band’s house and he hooked us up with the apartment above him that his girl just moved out of. Then he talked how he liked to fuck fruit. I could see his point. I took a dump and hid the toilet paper behind the toilet. I’m not entirely sure why, but I trust that I had a good reason. Oh yeah it was to make Bert upset, because he wanted to take a dump after me. I forgot to ask him how that worked out for him. Then we did things that made me forget the first two bands names, his name, and his girl’s name.
- Steve
I woke up on the hard floor of the "abandoned" apartment. I'm writing this without knowing what Steve wrote about the day before so I'll just trust that Steve filled in all the necessary details about the place we were staying in. I can't believe I just said that, or wrote that. Anyway, it was cold in that room. I wanted coffee. Joe did too so we went to the little market down the street. We got coffee and I got Liggetts. Liggetts are cigarettes that are like the GPC's of St. Louis, I guess. They were under two dollars and tasted like hay. So we got back to the apartment and when everyone was together we left to go to The Buttery Diner. I got a cheese omelette. We decided it was time to go so we went.
The drive to Nashville was filled with excitement and wonder. We stopped at this weird town called Metropolis, Illinois. Apparently, Superman, or Clark Kent, is from there. I thought he was from Krypton which is another planet but no. I bought an RC cola there so all was right with the world. Maybe Metropolis was where Bizarro Superman was from. Anyway, later we stopped to get gas and Dairy Queen. Leaving there I told Chris to go the wrong way. I mean, not on purpose. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise because we found "hisotric Route 66" which had all sorts of baby bees and grasshoppers. Chris and I were afraid of the bees. Then there was a weird green bug on the window as we drove down historic route 66 for about 1/4 a mile until it ended. We finally got back on the highway....oh wait. The last few events were from the day before that. Damn it. Oh well, maybe Steve will talk about it and have a different version where he uses magic powers to rid us of the baby bees and then he kisses both is biceps and says, "Bee Gone!"
Ok so after Metropolis, which I think is the right day, we got to Nashville. We were greeted by a sign telling us that there was the world's largest adult book store. Chris said he wanted reading for the way home like "Catcher in the Rye 2" thinking that adult meant just one level up from young adult. We went down town and it was weird. I think Steve bought a $4 hot dog. Chris and I bought pizza and went back to the van to see our angry impatient friends who turned out to be only slightly angry and impatient. We got to the show and the place there turned out to be pretty cool. It's a coffee shop/record store/show space/living quarters/and I think maybe a recording studio. This was our last show of the whole tour so we were excited and sad, I guess...I mean I was.
The band Public Offense opened and they were a bit of alright. Then Global Chaos came on and it was their fastest set that I have seen. They were a joy to watch. We went on and played our songs. Some people in the crowd (Global Chaos) joined us in the "Oh Yeahs" in "Oh Yeah." It was fun. There was this guy there, Stitch, who was insane. And I mean insane in the best possible way. I can't describe how he was but his name is Stitch. During Global Chaos' set he attacked Bert repeatedly, and it was good energy. Then, after we were done, it was time for Global Chaos to leave our lives forever. Corbin didn't know how to deal with the agony so he did the only thing he felt was right (and he's from Delaware). He lit and threw bottle rockets at everyone. I felt his pain and joined in. Everyone started fearing for their lives. Everyone said goodbye to each other amidst the warfare and they put a dirty magazine in our window. It was quite a romantic parting.
Then we were talking about when we should leave and the guy that lived above the place invited us upstairs. We got stupid and decided not to leave that night. We had told the guy we were leaving soon so he left us there alone. We talked about how we should start a show called "The Band that Never Left" about a band that stays at someone's house and never leaves even though every episode they would say, "Ok, we'll leave in like two shakes of a lamb's tail" but they still wouldn't leave. Then Chris put a motorcycle helmet on and was attacking Steve with numb chucks or nun chucks whatever they are. We talked about things and then all fell asleep in random places. I went to sleep thinking of a song about nature.
- Dandrew