By Steve Levandoski
Let's face it. If you are a musician you will probably never make enough money to pay the rent on that 2-bedroom apartment you share with 8 other people. IF you are lucky enough to get signed, the little money the record company doesn't screw you out of will be squandered on MC Hammer-type mansions (he's doing credit card commercials now), or tied up in some lawsuit. You will need to get a shitjob. I've enjoyed the privilege of having and losing about thirty different jobs in the four years since I dropped out of college. This is my guide for al you young bloods out there. Each issue will feature a different job I once had in chronological order,and how to take advantage of it while it takes advantage of you.
So I filled out an application, passed a whiz quiz, and became a full-fledged authority figure. The boss man instructed me to report to the office (I'm a security guard, I report to places now) for training and my uniform. First I filled out all these disclaimers that I didn't bother to read, and then I watched a video called "We aren't teaching you karate or giving you a gun, so just call 911 and run away, Stupid, because we are selling out your ass in court if you touch anyone." The intro to the video gave a brief history of the Pinkerton Detective Agency. Their claim to fame was—and they brag about this—protecting the life of Abraham Lincoln. I was sure to fit right in.
After the video and an irritating lack of refreshments, I was fitted for a uniform. I looked like Wal-Mart's answer to your standard-issue pig. I looked very fetching in my blue shirt (made of a nipple scratching-ly uncomfortable polyester blend and a collar that never quite came clean), a clip-on black tie, striped pants, and an 80's-style windbreaker. I also got a plastic "security officer" badge. I had to supply my own shoes, which I acquired at Payless. The ensemble ensured that I wouldn't be flirting with ladies on the clock, but it was super fun run across the street like Steve McGarritt towards kids tokin' a Dutch master. "Oh shit-ahh, wait, he just a rent-a-cop, he just playin. Hey fuck you, man! Yo, pass that shit." Good times.
I then was given my first assignment. My first "beat" if you will. I was sent to the PSFS building in Philly, while it was under renovations. Basically, I was told to make sure all the workers had their work badges and wore their helmets while entering. I got a helmet too, for when I went to the lavatory. I also had a little notebook to log in what happened every hour. I always wrote "NO SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY," in large, authoritative script. I worked the four to midnight shift, which wasn't too bad. (I was still 20, so I didn't know that the four to midnight was called the "alcoholic shift"). I was allowed to read, so I was actually kind of happy. The construction workers seemed to like me; they referred to me as "boss", even though I wasn't really their boss. That was fun. Then three days later I got a call from the office that the regular guy was back from an extended illness and I was reassigned.
Here are the past issues, in case you missed them or need to review:
January 2006 Security Guard, Part Six (The Turf Club Final Installment.. )
September 2005 Security Guard, Part Five
July 2005 Security Guard, Part Four
April 2005 Security Guard, Part Three
February 2005 Security Guard, Part Two
January 2005 Security Guard, Part One
December 2004 Headhunter
November 2004 Christopher's Bakery
September 2004 Bike Messenger
June 2004 Hospitality Staffing
March 2004 A new Temp Agency for Steve!
February 2004 The Civil Service scam
January 2004 I Become a Trainer
December 2003 Clean Water Action
November 2003 More Office Bullshit
September 2003 The Office Job
June 2003 Brick Factory
March 2003 Carter's Children's Ware
February 2003 Isaac's
December 2002 The Conclusion of The Incinerator
October 2002 The Incinerator Three
August 2002 The Incinerator, part 2
July 2002 The Incinerator
June 2002 Data Entry Yoni Style
May 2002 The Microchip Factory
April 2002 The Demolition Man
March 2002 MXL-Safety Glass Sweatshop
February 2002 Flagging
January 2002 Temp Agencies
November 2001 Corporate Movie Theater
August 2001 K-mart
Don't miss Steve's other regular column: Steve's Not Having It