By Steve Levandoski
Let's face it. If you are a musician you will probably never make enough money to pay the rent on that 2-bedroom apartment you share with 8 other people. IF you are lucky enough to get signed, the little money the record company doesn't screw you out of will be squandered on MC Hammer-type mansions (he's doing credit card commercials now), or tied up in some lawsuit. You will need to get a shitjob. I've enjoyed the privilege of having and losing about thirty different jobs in the four years since I dropped out of college. This is my guide for al you young bloods out there. Each issue will feature a different job I once had in chronological order,and how to take advantage of it while it takes advantage of you.
The next assignment brought me to the Main Line in Philly. The Main Line is where rich suburban housewives and their mothers-in-law buy overpriced knick knacks so they can exchange them on birthdays and holidays. During visits they do their best to remember to take those knick knacks out of hiding under the sink and put them on prominent display, usually in the bathroom.
They told me the address of the place. It was a women's clothing store named Talbots. Talbots is where rich suburban women buy their outfits. All the clothing is kind of like the gear Martha Stewart sports. It's made of this magical pastel material that somehow flatters a woman's figure while simultaneously stripping her of any sexiness. Joan Jett could walk right past me wearing a Talbots ensemble. Sometimes I wonder if she does.
Anyway, I met up with the girl I was relieving. She was like an Amazon woman. Let's call her She-rah. She introduced me to two sales ladies in their early thirties who looked like they worked there just for the employee discount. I said "Hello, my name is Steve. I'll be your new guard." But I think they misunderstood me and thought I said, "Hello, my name is Steve. Can you show me where I can bleach my needles?" Let's just say they looked at me like I was a total fucking scum bag.
My duties were explained to me by She-rah. I was supposed to look at people suspiciously if they looked poor. She still had a couple more hours left to train me, so I tried to bullshit with her. She went on about how Bally's Gym is just a 'social club.' Then, before she left, she bought a short-sleeved shirt that I noticed cost thirty bucks. She then started going on about how "wearing high quality garments makes one more aware of themselves. One is less likely to spill ketchup on themselves while eating." Now I'm not sure if I had beer stains on my uniform that I slept in the night before, but I hope to God I did. If there was ever a moment for me to refer to a female as a 'tool,' that moment passed when that stupid fucking sow walked out the front door. If the US Army ever needs some dumb bitch to program for a suicide bombing mission, they should look her up.
After She-rah left I went to the payphone, called HQ, and asked for a transfer. I spent the next two days with the sales clerk chicks and played the how-much-small-talk-can-we-avoid game.
Here are the past issues, in case you missed them or need to review:
January 2006 Security Guard, Part Six (The Turf Club Final Installment.. )
September 2005 Security Guard, Part Five
July 2005 Security Guard, Part Four
April 2005 Security Guard, Part Three
February 2005 Security Guard, Part Two
January 2005 Security Guard, Part One
December 2004 Headhunter
November 2004 Christopher's Bakery
September 2004 Bike Messenger
June 2004 Hospitality Staffing
March 2004 A new Temp Agency for Steve!
February 2004 The Civil Service scam
January 2004 I Become a Trainer
December 2003 Clean Water Action
November 2003 More Office Bullshit
September 2003 The Office Job
June 2003 Brick Factory
March 2003 Carter's Children's Ware
February 2003 Isaac's
December 2002 The Conclusion of The Incinerator
October 2002 The Incinerator Three
August 2002 The Incinerator, part 2
July 2002 The Incinerator
June 2002 Data Entry Yoni Style
May 2002 The Microchip Factory
April 2002 The Demolition Man
March 2002 MXL-Safety Glass Sweatshop
February 2002 Flagging
January 2002 Temp Agencies
November 2001 Corporate Movie Theater
August 2001 K-mart
Don't miss Steve's other regular column: Steve's Not Having It